Will I be allowed to?

(This really is in context with respect to only certain communities/families - my experience being with the marwadis.)

“Don’t worry, we will find you a family who will let you work and let you wear clothes you want.”

“Wow, I am so glad they will “allow” me to do all that. Such a relief! Yeah right!”

So now, I am supposed to feel grateful that someone is going to “allow” me to clothe MY body in the way I want, do whatever I want with MY career, but wait, weren’t they already my decisions to make. I understand I am going to be SHARING my life with someone else, but since when did sharing mean one requiring permission and the other giving it. Since when do you need to be “allowed” to take YOUR own decisions? Again, I understand that you will now have a partner in life, and you need “MUTUAL agreement” upon most matters, but since when does that term mean one’s life being completely dependent on what the other allows.

Most Marwadi girls and their parents feel very relieved when they find a groom and a family that agree upon those basic questions – “kya mein shaadi ke baad kaam karungi? kya main jo chahe who pehen sakti hu?” I am very happy that now there are a lot of families that let the girl make her own decisions, but at the same time I feel equally terrible that those questions ever have to come up. Does a boy ever have to ask those questions to himself? I am NOT at all saying that a guy does not have fears/questions about where his life is going to go after the “life sharing ritual”, but does he have to worry about something as personal and as basic as clothes and career.

“Let’s go shopping together” and then “Ah, this doesn't look good on you” or “Wow, you look super cute in this”. These statements make sense – be it the guy/or the girl saying it, but something like “I am sorry, we are not going to allow you to wear this” sounds outrageous when she is probably wearing that for the past 20 years of her life. She has been living her life in a certain way for 20 years, and she is completely ready to change a lot about it for the partnership. I also agree that the guy is also going to have to change his life in many different ways, but changing something as simple as how she covers herself up is really not a decision she should need permission for.

I spoke to a few friends (to those friends: don't kill me for this) about this and got their opinions, and some say maybe it’s not the boy who decides it, maybe his family has certain customs. Some said that we have been living in a patriarchal society for years now, but most of them ended it with “We really can’t do anything about it”. I agree it is not easy to change something going on for years, but this probably is not even something that will need protests/bills/kiss-of-love campaigns. I am more troubled by the “Can’t change it” attitude of people than the problem that needs to be solved. Change begins at home: taking a stand, making people understand, or simply just talking about it will also bring a change at least somewhere. I really hope that at least one person reads this and gives it a thought and maybe makes a change.

Again, my question is not “Why do u not allow a girl wear clothes that she wants”. It is not “Why don’t you allow women work?” My question is “Why does she even need someone to “allow” her to take those decisions”.  

You cannot be allowed to make a decision that was anyways yours to make.

"Am I looking fat? "

Almost all men and women have had this conversation before. Trying to find and pen down the comedy in banal day-to-day conversations!

Woman:

(Oh I am looking so hot! This new dress looks so pretty on me. Ummmm, but my neck bones aren’t showing up as good, and I can see a little paunch.)

“I am looking very fat in this dress no?”     

Man:

(Not very fat, just a little fat, maybe a little paunch, but it's just fine.)

“uhmmm, no it's fine, just a little....”

Woman: “A little what?  :-O”

Man: (Ah f**k, I can't say this. What am I supposed to say now?)

Woman: “Hello? What were you saying? Am I looking just fine? A little what? Talk dude!”

Man:

(I need to change the topic, I need to get out of this.)

“No, I was just saying that isn't it a new dress, I have never seen it before. When did you get it?”

Woman:

“I told you just 3 days back that I went shopping and bought a new dress. Do you even listen when I talk?”

Man:

(Have you tried listening to yourself? Ah… focus, don’t be rude... and stop digging your own grave)

“No baby, of course I listen to you. I just meant to compliment you.”

Woman:

(atleast that means I am looking good, or wait is he just trying to end this conversation.)

“Yeah right, I bet you haven’t even looked at me properly and you’re just lying.”

Man:

(What the hell do you want me to say woman?)

“I swear you are looking just fine. Everyone is going to be just looking at you tonight.”

Woman:

(Smart answer… but wait! What does he mean everyone is going to be looking at me? Is it too slutty?)

“What do you mean huh? Is it looking too provocative?”

Man:

(While you are not asking these questions, everything on you looks provocative to me, but I don't think I can say that to her right now.)

“What? When did I mention anything like that?”

Woman:

“So, you mean I am not looking hot enough for you?”

Man:

(Okay that’s it, I need to end this conversation right now.)

“You always look hot to me”, he kisses her passionately and says “I think we are running late, shall we go now?"

Woman:

(whoa, that was a nice way to make up.. but wait, isn't this what he always does?)

“This is what you always do, you just change the topic! This is all you know how to do. Don't you understand that some things need to be discussed and not dismissed like this. We need to talk more often.”

Man:

(Oh my god, what were we even talking about?)

“We are running late sweetheart, let’s come back and talk about whatever you want. I will be all ears.”

Woman:

“Alright, alright! Let's go. Let me do one last mirror check.”

(Sees herself in the mirror)

“Hey by the way, is my tummy too visible?”   

THE GIRL OF DREAMS (Chapter 4: The Foundation)

THE GIRL OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 3: THE FOundation

It is June 1^st, and after a two month long vacation, she is all ready with a new black and green bag that she picked herself because it had more than 10 pockets, a bright pink basket with a brand new lunch box in which mummy had packed yummy Indian food. She knew from the very beginning that her mom’s talent to cook would earn her loads of friends. She gets dropped to school this time in an auto. The auto uncle was old but sweet and calls her beti.

This time more confidently, she enters her school and loves the place instantly. She looks around and does not find anything weird this time. She knows exactly what to expect. There is a big gang of 4 girls who are giggling away to glory. She goes towards them and giggles along with them. That’s it, she is a part of their group now onwards. Again begins the process of eating together, playing together and giggling together. As she starts growing up, she starts getting a little irritated by the giggles. They are now coming at unnecessary times without reasons and she doesn’t like it much. Everyone in the group starts finding their best friends. One day, this cute silent little girl in the other corner of the class comes up and speaks to her. Apparently she is very fascinated by her long hair. (Oh I forgot to mention, the girl in my story has really long hair made into 2 neat plaits which formed the foundation of her strongest friendship till date) Now these two girls get along in an instant. They are so different yet so alike in their own ways. They don’t know that they are forming a bond which can’t be broken for life. No one knows that these same girls will grow up together as best friends and they don’t realise that they will never find anyone who can replace the other in their lives.

These are brilliant days of her life. These are the days she learns how to shape up her dreams. She dreams short and fulfills them. She loves her books, she loves her sports and she loves her friends. She tops each and every class; she wins each and every heart. She gets used to winning.

Every day she fights with her bench-mate about who is occupying more place on the bench. They draw lines on the desks to clearly mark the boundaries of their places. They push each other with bags. She finds him very mean and irritating but whenever he doesn’t come, school is not as interesting. Only she is allowed to push him or hit him. No other person can dare do that to him in her presence. They don’t know that they are the friends who fight the most and yet care the most.

(The best part about those years is you form deep bonds without intending to and thinking about it and thus avoid all complications and expectations that come with those bonds.)

She makes many more friends, that is something she is best at. Yet, her closest friend remains the cute and quieter girl. She doesn’t know why people think that the girl is quiet, because when with her she can’t stop talking at all.

She learns how to love her life. She does not miss school for even a day.

Time passes, she grows up: old enough to feel new things, but not old enough to understand the reasons behind those feelings. She doesn’t care much though because supposedly everyone around is feeling such weird things. Suddenly, friendship means more than before. Suddenly, boys look cuter than before and suddenly, talking on the phone with her best friend for hours together seems so necessary.

She starts to hate a few subjects but at the same time, she also develops more and more interest in few other subjects. Not to forget that even then, her choices, her likes and her interests lie in fields that were worlds apart. The only thing common in them was her. On one hand, effervescent chemicals in the lab get her all charged up and on the other hand she finds some kind of bliss in reading sonnets. Physics seems as interesting as history. She loves giving science seminars because of two reasons. She loves the logic in science and she loves the science of public speaking. She doesn’t know that her passion for almost everything will make her fall into dilemmas everyday. She doesn’t know that when she grows up, she will have to choose between Arts, Science and Commerce. She doesn’t know that the flexibility of having contrasting dreams won’t be available.

She grows up a little more. Filtering is the process that is going on everywhere. Interests, languages, and friends are getting filtered. Some bonds are strengthening whereas some are just being left behind. There always is that little place for new bonds, new friendships. She finds some terribly amazing friends. I say “terribly” because it’s almost the end of her school life and it is such a wrong time to build new relationships but that always happens to her.

It’s now the last year at school, and she has established a few lifelong friendships. (I am not going to say “she doesn’t know” anymore.) Now she knows these are the people she will miss, she knows these are the friends who will stand by her throughout her life. She thinks that distance and time will never affect these relationships (whether she is right or not, we’ll never know) but yeah these are the people who will talk to her like they meet everyday even if they are meeting after a whole year.

It’s the last day at school; there are tears in some one’s eyes. She notices that and “oh”, she realizes, “it is infectious”. She is crying too and so are most of the others around her. It has been 10 years of being together after all and suddenly someone is just changing their entire life. The school had always kept them away from the outside world and they don’t know how to react now that they are stepping out of this school. They are too young to realize that the world outside is going to be entirely different, but they are too old to believe that there are going to be no differences at all. They know their life is going to change, but no one knows if it’s going to be for the better or not, no one knows the magnitude of change this event will bring to their lives and no one knows the consequences of this change. All they know is that there is no option and here is when they get divided, when they choose different roads.

THE GIRL OF DREAMS (Chapter 3: The Smaller Chapter - Kindergarten)

THE GIRL OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 3: The smaller chapter - Kindergarten 

Another year passes by and now daddy thinks it’s time his girl gets out of the house and explores another world. They send her to kindergarten. Mommy is secretly happy about the free time she will now get ;). Well, you can’t blame mommy, the girl really tired her out. Oh, and the girl, she is confused again. She is excited about going to school because she has grown up listening to phrases like “When you go to school sweetie, I will buy you the new bag”, and “You can use this water bottle when you go to school”. From the past one year, almost every sentence she heard began with “When you go to school…”. Now, she is determined to figure out what this school is after all, but somewhere, there is also fear attached to the excitement. She has never been away from home without mommy and daddy. Obviously, she being the person she is, excitement defeats fear and she lets her daddy drop her off to that colourful looking place. She enters the classroom, there are some boys crying and she finds them dirty. Whew, she turns to another side; some girl is pulling another girl’s hair. She doesn’t understand what is going on. Why are the kids so weird, but she doesn’t realise that every other kid in the room has the same question in mind (Don’t you remember that’s how it was in kindergarten. You thought you were the best kid around and you always went back home and complained). Suddenly, she is pushed. She turns to see who dared to do that, and she finds this boy with a red bag and a yellow car in his hand and he is apparently driving the car and now finds it funny after pushing her because he thinks that it was an accident with his tiny car. She is so irritated that she could snatch his car and stomp it onto the ground and crush it into pieces. Of course, she doesn’t do that because this boy is still laughing. Now, even she finds it funny. They both start laughing loud, loud enough for her to hear the echo of the laughter even 20 years later. That’s it, they become inseparable after that. They sit together, eat together, play together but they can’t stop fighting. Oh and the other girls better beware, because playing with that boy could mean getting scratched by his dear friend (We will never understand the characteristic of possessiveness among children, but we know it exists in a very strong flavor).

One year passes by before anyone realizes, and it’s time to change schools, she doesn't know why mommy and daddy say that now she will go to the real school. Okay, she is just happy as long as it is called school. She doesn't realize then that she will miss the friend she made, because again the excitement of a new school is more overwhelming than the boy with the yellow car and actually, the truth is that she really has forgotten him over the summer vacations (Life was that simple then!), but yes, he really has made an impact on her life and will remain in some corner of heart, unseen most of the times but not unfelt.

THE GIRL OF DREAMS (Chapter 2: Favourite Place!)

THE GIRL OF DREAMS

CHAPTER 2: FAVOURITE PLACE!

It has been 2 years now. She is thinking of which her favourite place is. She thinks its “home” because there she doesn’t need to wear those irritating diapers, home is where mommy is most happy, and where daddy is never strictly saying “Don’t touch this”, “Don’t go there”,
and  “Don’t eat that”. Home is where everyone is most comfortable, safe and secure.

Oops, she suddenly remembers that she loves the park next to her house more, because it has swings, slides and mainly, other people of her own size. Mommy says they are friends. Every time she sits on that swing, she dreams of reaching one level higher, every time she decides to touch a particular branch and swings harder. She is overwhelmed when she manages to touch that branch with her little toe, it’s another dream that has come true but suddenly she looks down, and oh oh… she had forgotten about the speed and height of the swing while trying to reach her target. She is scared now, scared of falling. Her fear turns out to be right.  She falls straight onto the ground. Some kids around her crying looking at her whereas some others are finding it funny, she doesn’t know why though. Her mommy comes running towards her, checks where all she is hurt and then picks her up. She doesn’t understand why mommy is scolding her. She says “But mommy, I was just trying to reach that tree”, mommy smiles but has a small drop of a tear in her eyes too. Again, she doesn’t know why! She wonders at the different reactions of different people.

She decides that the park is not her favourite place as she fell down there, so she is back to thinking and yeah it strikes her, the toy shop is the best place in town, and she loves everything there: the Barbie as well as the Spiderman toys. She loves the tent house as well as the gym. She is fascinated by the kitchen set as well as the doctor set. She wants it all. Her dad says, “No, you can buy only one.” She doesn’t like to hear that. She is upset, angry and she pouts. Her dad has to give in to that look of hers and yes she gets them both. That is the moment she learns that the pout always works ;)

She is bored of the toys in 2 days. There is nothing more fascinating left at the shop. She doesn’t find the toy shop the best place anymore. She is on her dad’s bike again thinking which her favourite place is. Again, it strikes- “yes, it is this bike”, she thinks so because this bike is what takes her everywhere. She enjoys the breeze that makes her hair fly when she is on the bike; she loves the vroom vroom sound of the bike. She loves the speed. Just then, comes a signal, and the bike stops. She doesn’t like it anymore. She hates being stopped.

She can’t decide which her favourite place is. They are all beautiful, they are all exciting and she loves being at each of them!

THE GIRL OF DREAMS (Chapter 1: Two bonds!)

THE GIRL OF DREAMS

Chapter 1: Two bonds!

Endowed with small eyes, little fingers and tiny toes is a petite mortal in the womb of her mother.  The moment she begins to breathe, she also begins to dream. She is thinking of her mother, who is bearing so much pain with extreme happiness. She knows that her mother is waiting to embrace her and so is she. That is her first dream. Then, she is thinking of the world outside and how it would feel to suddenly be out in the much more space and breathe the fresh air. From here itself, begins the journey of contradictory dreams. On one hand, she can’t wait to be in her mother’s lap, she can’t imagine a moment without her mother’s arms around her but on the other hand, she wants to see the world, and she wants to explore everything.

Now, she is in her mother’s arms. She has opened her eyes for the first time. The first face she looks at is her mom. Her first dream is fulfilled. Everyone can see the twinkle in those pretty little eyes. But, no one knows that it’s no ordinary twinkle. It’s the twinkle of dreams. They are looking at eyes that want to see a zillion other things, people and places. Her mom dreamily says, “She has my eyes”. That is when she realizes that her mom understands the twinkle and that is the moment she builds an unbreakable and the strongest bond of her life. Now, she doesn’t know what to look at … her mom, or the walls, or her new bed, or the nurse who is trying to take her from her mom, or the people around her who are all suddenly very happy or her dad who is trying to make her hold his finger. She decides to look at everyone and everything. And she manages to do so while remaining still in her mother’s arms.

Then, she suddenly sees a light. She turns, it’s coming from a square like transparent thing that people seem to be calling ‘window’. Her eyes squint because the light is bright. People around her think the light is hurting her eyes, but little do they know that she actually loves it. In fact, she can see more now, she sees the sun, the trees, the birds, and oh yeah, traffic. She sees people who are a little bigger in size than her but much smaller to her mom and dad. The others are calling them ‘children’. She loves it because most of all, she sees herself out there, she sees herself climbing those trees, hearing the birds, playing with those children and also being stuck in that traffic. She doesn’t know the name of any of those things, but she can hear people talking and trust me when I say, she grasps much faster than you can imagine. She wants to know what everything outside that window is! The people around her (by now she knows that they are called uncles and aunties), she doesn’t like them, because they decide to close the window. One aunty is nearing the window, so she starts crying, they think it is normal for her to cry, but no, she is crying because she wants to see more, she wants the window open. The bad aunty is almost about to shut it, but her dad says, “No Mala ji, don’t close it, I think my lovely daughter likes the sunlight”.  Oh my god, that is the moment she begins to love her dad. She knows that her dad will always keep the window of her dreams open. She finally does what her dad was trying to make her do from the past twenty-five minutes, she holds his little finger, and holds it tight, tight enough to never let it go.

Dil Ka Rishta

Jo iss dil ke sabse kareeb tha,
Usne bhi mudkar na dekha,
Zindagi bhar saath nibhaane ka
Vaada kiya aur gum sa gaya.
Saath jo lamhe bitaaye,
Yaad karke unhe hum muskuraatein hain,
Par who phir kabhi na aayenge,
Ye kyon bhool hum jaatein hain.
Na dosti, na pyaar,
Na nafrat na takraar,
Usey ek baar dekhte hi,
Ek khushi ka ehsaas.
Who jab bhi laut kar aayenge,
Hum dil se ek rishta nibhaayenge,
Dil ka Rishta!

A step higher, a feeling deeper!

Lakshya woh nahi,
Jise paane ki taakat ho.
Lakshya toh woh ho,
Jo sapne sa lagey.

Chaah usey paane ki nahi,
Jo aasani se mil jaaye.
Chaah humesha usey paane ki,
Jise paane ki koi aas na ho.

Darr uss bure waqt ka nahi,
Jo bin bulaaye aa jae.
Darr uss bure waqt ka,
Jiske aane ki pehle se khabar ho.

Dard uss pyaar ke bichadne ka nahi,
Jo kabhi aaya hi nahi.
Dard uss pyaar se bichadne ka ,
Jo aakar laut gaya.

Dil uss rishte se nahi toota,
Jo kabhi bana hi na ho.
Dil uss rishte se toota,
Jo ban kar bhi choot gaya.

Gum uss khwaab ke tootne ka nahi,
Joh khwaab sirf dekha tha.
Gum uss khwaab ke tootne ka,
Jis khwaab ko jiya tha.