(This really is in context with respect to only certain communities/families - my experience being with the marwadis.)
“Don’t worry, we will find you a family who will
let you work and let you wear clothes you want.”
“Wow, I am so glad they will “allow” me to do all
that. Such a relief! Yeah right!”
So now, I am supposed to feel grateful that someone is going
to “allow” me to clothe MY body in the way I want, do whatever I want with MY
career, but wait, weren’t they already my decisions to make. I understand I am
going to be SHARING my life with someone else, but since when did sharing mean
one requiring permission and the other giving it. Since when do you need to be “allowed”
to take YOUR own decisions? Again, I understand that you will now have a
partner in life, and you need “MUTUAL agreement” upon most matters, but since
when does that term mean one’s life being completely dependent on what the
other allows.
Most Marwadi girls and their parents feel very relieved when
they find a groom and a family that agree upon those basic questions – “kya mein
shaadi ke baad kaam karungi? kya main jo chahe who pehen sakti hu?” I am very
happy that now there are a lot of families that let the girl make her own
decisions, but at the same time I feel equally terrible that those questions
ever have to come up. Does a boy ever have to ask those questions to himself? I
am NOT at all saying that a guy does not have fears/questions about where his
life is going to go after the “life sharing ritual”, but does he have to worry
about something as personal and as basic as clothes and career.
“Let’s go shopping together” and then “Ah, this doesn't look
good on you” or “Wow, you look super cute in this”. These statements make sense
– be it the guy/or the girl saying it, but something like “I am sorry, we are
not going to allow you to wear this” sounds outrageous when she is probably
wearing that for the past 20 years of her life. She has been living her life in
a certain way for 20 years, and she is completely ready to change a lot about
it for the partnership. I also agree that the guy is also going to have to
change his life in many different ways, but changing something as simple as how
she covers herself up is really not a decision she should need permission for.
I spoke to a few friends (to those friends: don't kill me for this) about this and got their opinions,
and some say maybe it’s not the boy who decides it, maybe his family has
certain customs. Some said that we have been living in a patriarchal society
for years now, but most of them ended it with “We really can’t do anything
about it”. I agree it is not easy to change something going on for years, but
this probably is not even something that will need protests/bills/kiss-of-love
campaigns. I am more troubled by the “Can’t change it” attitude of people than
the problem that needs to be solved. Change begins at home: taking a stand, making
people understand, or simply just talking about it will also bring a change at
least somewhere. I really hope that at least one person reads this and gives it
a thought and maybe makes a change.
Again, my question is not “Why do u not allow a girl wear
clothes that she wants”. It is not “Why don’t you allow women work?” My
question is “Why does she even need someone to “allow” her to take those
decisions”.
You cannot be allowed to make a decision that was anyways yours
to make.
